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November 14, 2003

Atrocity Tourism Video Review: Periods 101.

Jill.

Periods 101... God knows what it was originally called... is an instructional video meant to train brutally retarded girls, through constant, numbing repitition, how to deal when a Red Tide rolls in. It stars a small, gnomish child with a suspisciously malformed face, "Jill," who torments her family for ten minutes straight about THE OPENING BETWEEN HER LEGS OPENING BETWEEN HER LEGS OPENING BETWEEN HER LEGS HEY MOM DO YOU HAVE PERIODS.

The interrogations begin.

If we're not supposed to laugh at the retarded, they shouldn't be forced to act in videos about periods. Unless they're named Corky. Corky was kewl.

Mom begins to crack.

I can't date this thoroughly dated video too accurately, but it looks to me like it was shot in the sixties or seventies... Which is what makes it so strange. Jill goes scampering from one absurdly patient and accomodating family member to the next, extracting word-for-word identical descriptions of the bleed from each one, including Dad. Which is bizarre, because I always thought men in the sixties considered periods a sign of witchcraft.

Suspisciously knowledgeable Dad.

Exhibitionist sis.

The highlight of the video, after repeated and heartfelt mantras about BLOOD INSIDE A WOMAN'S BODY and EVERY FOUR WEEKS FOR THREE OR FOUR DAYS, is when Jill's older sister trots her off into the bathroom to watch her change her SANITARY PAD SANITARY PAD SANITARY PAD, which appears to have been soaked in tomato sauce.

And an extra-special guest appearance by Ragu.

SEE HOW THE PAD STICKS TO MY PANTIES?! SEE?!?! DO YOU SEE, JILL??? I DO NOT PUT IT IN THE TOILET! I PUT IT IN THE NEAREST WASTE BASKET!!!

Remember, Jill: Sticky side DOWN.

The adventure in the bathroom concludes with Jill trying on her own pad and wearing it around "for practice." Which is a relief, honestly, after the concentrated creepiness of the rest of the video. But I suspect a c. 1960s hamster mattress must feel like straddling a pillow for a five-year-old.

My games of "pretend" as a child rarely involved the toilet.

I don't know if skills-for-living videos like this actually work or not, but if they do, they certainly weren't shown to the mainstreamed Special Club in my school. Apart from the corrective surgery that put her in a hilarious full-body cast for a year, Cecilia, the wandering-eyed superstar of our Special Ed, was probably best known for the bloody chairs she left behind her in chorus. Well, that, and the earth-shattering tantrum that got her installed as an honorary member of the high school's cheerleading team. And by "installed," I mean "invaded the pitch at the first football game of the season, dragged a stool down onto the sidelines, and refused to leave."

I miss Cecilia.

Posted by Spike at November 14, 2003 12:28 AM

Comments

You know, until you posted this, i'd always figured that the video was an urban legend - all through high school i used to hear about "that video that teaches retards about their periods", but i never thought that anybody had ever actually been GOONY enough to create such a goddamned atrocity.

Well, until now, that is. Thanks, Spike. I'll never be able to eat store-bought pasta sauce again without muttering "mmm, tastes like retarded menses - just like mom used to make!"

Posted by Bill at November 14, 2003 02:14 AM
208.22.32.230

dumbfounded

Posted by Zack at November 14, 2003 11:29 AM
24.91.144.201

Dear Lord...

Posted by Rich at November 14, 2003 12:37 PM
128.238.78.50

Wow. That's so amazing. It really taught me some important life skills, and I shall remember it forever.
Also, that's the funniest thing I've read all day. Praise be to you.

Posted by botch-monkey at November 14, 2003 04:10 PM
199.216.194.13

man that was just wrong! that has to be the worst thing i have ever read. the worst part is that they wouldn't right it unless it was true

Posted by bob! at November 14, 2003 04:11 PM
199.216.194.13

I aims ta please.

Posted by spike at November 14, 2003 06:31 PM
68.20.24.183

Speaking as the parent of a special-ed kid here, a dad is just as likely to be a patient, frank Dad as an impatient, angry ogre. Sometimes, it's a two-fer-one deal. Depends on the day.
It's also not unlikely a sibling would actually help to this extent.
With a special-needs kid in the house, typical modesty goes right out the window, because these kid can parse subtle, but social subtleties are a big fat ha-ha.

As for the video itself, I'm happy to tell you repetition is indeed the key.

It's a little scary to think we could have just as easily landed on the tard space on the big genetic roulette wheel, or had a sibling who did, hence not currently enjoying our over-low-digits IQ and independent living, or facing down the specter of who will take care of the "funny" kid if something happens to our parents.

Me, I wouldn't know from scary. My brother's autistic, too.

I love Cecelia making herself a cheerleader. That's right there with my son running to the front of the church and blowing out the chalice during service.
You want funny, watch a bunch of UU's struggling with their easy lovely intellectual inclusiveness beliefs when a disabled kid is thrown into the mix.

Posted by Lea at November 15, 2003 07:03 AM
24.167.108.170

Oh, forgot to say the only unbelievable part of that video is that the kid would willingly wear a giant sanitary pad. Even I gave those horrible things up ages ago.

Posted by Lea at November 15, 2003 07:05 AM
24.167.108.170

What's a UU? But yeah, besides that, point taken. No harm meant.

Although I still think admitting you had a period in the 1960s would be considered just cause to tie you to an iron chair and poke your boobs with hat pins, lookin' fer Devil Marks.

Posted by spike at November 15, 2003 08:18 AM
68.20.24.183

UU = Unitarian Universalist or Unitarian for short. I found this UU joke on a UU site earlier this year: 'This calls to mind the joke about two signs, which are posted in the afterlife. One is labeled "Heaven" and the other reads, "A discussion about Heaven." The second line is jammed packed with Unitarian Universalists.'

Posted by Dixon at November 20, 2003 03:00 PM
129.116.198.182

I've been showing this video for several years to unsuspecting party guests. I'm glad it's finally getting the attention it deserves. I do wish that you hadn't posted the "money shot" of the bloody pad though. Part of the joy of this thing is the true shock of that that single shot.

Posted by Dave at December 29, 2003 10:20 AM
152.163.252.198

The world is a beautiful book for those who can read it.

Posted by Smith Rakoff Joanna at January 21, 2004 07:10 PM
62.213.67.122

This is sorta stupid. A 5 year old wearing a pad!

Posted by Brianna at August 7, 2005 05:24 PM
69.201.92.167

I showed that to my friend and we were laughing and she's like, "that is probably for retarded people!!!" because it is so repetitive..and then i saw this and im like wow!!!!
because it is for retards

Posted by Sarah at June 21, 2006 10:43 PM
71.75.4.100

oh my god........LOL!

Posted by kimberly at September 16, 2006 07:02 PM
209.102.252.238

This video has actually helped many people. I have a friend who..bless her soul, but she never had a motherly figure to help/teach her. Dont get me wrong she has a mother but when she first hit puberty she never got the chance to share with her mom the big news.A little time passed and it just became awkward for her, poor thing. So what im trying to say is this video was like a motherly figure to my dear friend Melody, it taught her the proper way to use a pad and she sure isnt bleeding everywhere anymore! now only if they had a tampon video!

*all names mentioned have been changed*

Posted by Christina at October 20, 2006 10:32 PM
72.141.18.37

Hi, my name Marrinarra. My mom tell me about video and I laugh hard but inside I cryed. I loaf they have such education but I wish my momma would just take time to teach?!?! If only I could too use tampon but this only teach one so sometimes theres leaks :( I understand you Christina and the dear friend Melody. Can you please message me back to chat? Okay, thank-you.

Posted by Marrinarra at October 21, 2006 11:15 AM
70.24.220.50

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

LMMFAO

Posted by Nicole at October 21, 2006 04:46 PM
74.116.48.21

OMG I love this video...it's fantastic material for unsuspecting friends while bored at work!! :) I put in the nearest wastebasket.....I do not put it in the toilet, I put it in the nearest wastebasket.....I never thought that maybe it really was for special ed kids.

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71.220.233.90

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