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April 16, 2004

Yeah, baby. Tote my HOT LOAF.

I have seen a lot of stupid crap today. But this is probably the stupidest.

From the cover of the latest Dick Blick catalog, which is regularly delivered to me through no fault of my own.

Loaf tote.

I like to think about the sort of person who would regard this as anything other than criminally absurd. I like to picture the greying retirees and housewives looking at this appalling fucking picture and thinking: "Yeah. Loaf tote." And tapping their teeth with a fingernail and dreaming of tasteful, unchallenging, pastel watercolors of flower arrangements and gazebos and Scottish moors, the kind that match every couch. The kind hotels buy, because they sort of have to. The kind that crowd the streets and sidewalks for every art festival, shoulder-to-shoudler with the mermaid dolls and photorealistic cuddly puppy portraits and mass-produced, glossy prints of white unicorns bounding over sparkly rainbows.

So the housewife buys this bag (shown in paprika, also available in black) and she shells out the $54.99, and what the hell gets herself that Classic Santa Fe IV easel for $569.98 (on sale) and some paints (oil paints because that's what Van Gogh used, you know) and hey why not some kicky little clogs and that cute little Bohemian sunhat and the beret (giggle giggle) and the smock and she converts a quarter of her basement into HER STUDIO and it is HER STUDIO and DO NOT LET THE DOGS DOWN HERE I AM WORKING GOD DAMN IT EDGAR WHAT DID I JUST SAY TODAY IS MY ART DAY.

Then... crap, wait. What? The instructional tapes made this look easier. What? Where? No no no, back up. Scumble? The fuck?? WHERE DO I BUY THAT IT'S NOT IN THE CATALOG.

Whoops. This is hard. Never mind.

So the two thousand dollars in art supplies sits in the basement. And mice have babies in it.

I think I finally understand how most art stores stay in business. Even with me and my slob friends counting our pennies out on the counter to take home three watercolor brushes and sketchpad.

Posted by Spike at April 16, 2004 11:31 AM

Comments

You know what's the most hysterical part of that whole debacle? You just verbatim described my mother. Except her misguided efforts at domestic divatude extend only to unopened books with titles like "The Zen of Watercolors" and daily sessions of yogapilatesballet that cannot be postponed for anything, including her own father's stroke and eventual death.

She thinks she's moving to an Italian farm villa when Dad retires. She's in for a rude surprise when she finds out Dad won't stay anywhere the reception doesn't get the "O' Reilly Report."

Posted by Lyra at April 16, 2004 12:27 PM
66.9.199.114

My mother's been empty-nesting for a while; Whenever I talk to her, she's always go a new plan of action, usually involving a vanity master's degree, the discipline of which changes with her mood. I think it's anthropology, this week.

Posted by spike at April 16, 2004 12:39 PM
68.20.210.145

I'm a lot like your imaginary middle class art supplies purchasing woman.

Except for me it's multimedia authoring software, rather than art supplies. I own Premiere, Sound Forge, Illustrator, Flash MX, you name it -- all purchased in the hopes of creating the Great American Work of Multimedia Literature.

Blech.

Posted by Joey Manley at April 16, 2004 02:19 PM
12.202.70.214

Yeah, but does it come with the bread?

I mean, you Could use the Loaf section to carry stuff in rolled up tubes. But most art tubes would probably topple the bag constantly, thereby spilling all your crap all over the place whenever you put it down.

Posted by Bellebet at April 16, 2004 02:39 PM
67.106.143.3

Do they make a Taco Tote™? You know, with little pockets to keep your Taco Bell tacos organized in? I need a way to keep my soft tacos and my 7-layer burritos separated yet still easily accessible while I work on my paintings.

Posted by Eric M. at April 16, 2004 03:29 PM
12.34.51.20

Art supply stores stay in business in part from said rich folk, and in part from art proffesors. You know, the proffesors that INSIST you buy THIS BRAND OF CHARCOAL PENCILS, because it's the BEST BRAND, forget that it's also the most expensive. It must, of course, be THIS HARDNESS of pencil, and only THIS HARDNESS, because otherwise, you could by the variety pack for cheaper. Don't forget THIS ERASER, and THIS PAD, and THAT PAD THAT WE WILL USE ONCE AND NEVER AGAIN, and hey, while we're at it, get THIS BOOK WE WILL NEVER LOOK AT. Oh, one final thing... GET THEM AT THIS STORE. You know, the one that just happens to be near the campus, and just happens to have given me these flyers to hand out, and JUST HAPPENS TO GIVE DISCOUNTS TO PROFESSORS BUT NOT TO STUDENTS.

Oh, yeah, and that's too representational,
that's too stylized, and comics are superhero-pulp. Oh, I may acknowledge comics as art, but only as a one genre with one style. Because, you know, I saw that one that one time...

DUUHAAAHOO!

I'm sorry... I'll go start my own blog now...

Posted by spookable at April 16, 2004 05:21 PM
152.163.252.198

Thank you so much for giving me the biggest belly laugh I've had in a while. What the hell were they thinking, sticking a loaf in one side and a bottle of wine in the other? I's not a picnic basket! Why not rolled up paper or the tubes, like Bellebot said? Why BREAD and WINE? The bag is nice (me likes bags with lots of pockets and don't look expensive so the local purse snatchers will give me a pass) and that paprika color is kicky, but the bread and wine thing...wonder how the shot went down:

Creative Director: You have 15 minutes to figure out how to design this shoot and shoot it or else you're fired.

Art Director: WTF, I'm hung over, I've had 2 hours of sleep before coming here, oh lordy no...it's my head if it doesn't come out right...hmmm...galley slaves! Do something...HELP!

*15 minutes pass*

Galley Slave: (otherwise known as the Assistant Art Director and who actually does all the work) Ok, the bag is in sunlight, it's stuffed so it looks full, we have these clogs over here for contrast, this should be it.

Creative Director: Morons! There's nothing in the side panels! We must fill those, to give people IDEAS! Garcon! Bring me that bottle of wine from the kitchen and that loaf of bread in there!

Art director: (.....this is going to look....)
Assistant AD (....completely stupid.)

Yeap, I bet it went down that way.

Posted by London at April 16, 2004 07:12 PM
68.74.115.101

"I own Premiere, Sound Forge, Illustrator, Flash MX, you name it -- "

Hey Joey, if you don't want that copy of Flash MX I'll take it. I promise to give it a good home, feed it only good food and I'll even sing it to sleep every night. Really.

Posted by Lisa Jonte at April 16, 2004 10:08 PM
69.42.3.13

Joey: I'll take the Illustrator!

Can me and Lisa go closet-shopping through your software? (If you don't know what closet shopping is, ask Joe.)

Posted by Lea at April 16, 2004 10:27 PM
24.167.107.62

You can't ask a multimedia software hoarder to give up his goodies. They make me feel all safe and comfy.

Nyah.

Besides, I really am going to create the Great American Multimedia Literary Expression someday.

Double Nyah.

Joey
www.moderntales.com

Posted by Joey Manley at April 17, 2004 12:01 AM
12.202.70.214

I've been making "I need to learn Flash" noises for years, now. Wish I could find the time and the motivation. I know exactly what you mean, Joey.

And spookable, I would defintiely read any blog you'd author, provided the posts are all like that one.

Posted by spike at April 17, 2004 05:00 AM
68.20.210.145

My school actually offers a decent web-design and interactive multi-media class. I just have to take every other damn class on earth, first. Because we all know glueing little black squares to bristol board is imperitive to understanding Flash.

Thanks, Spike. I think I will. I feel guilty filling your own blog with my rants, so I figured I need an outlet.

The person behind "Spades," by the way, is about to graduate from said-school. Small world. Easier to blow up that way.

Posted by Spookable at April 17, 2004 09:02 AM
152.163.252.198

Also, is that a pop tart in the front pocket? The frosted kind?

Posted by Nick F at April 17, 2004 10:35 AM
193.120.73.51

Even worse are Interior decoator-er.. designers that buy all the different sized artists models, have them varnished and finished and posed coyly and artfully around the various nooks and niches of expensive homes, or the Really nice Easels being used as picture stands for Photos of the Grandkids waterinf flowers in a laserprint of a kodachrome slide. It';s why I used action figures as artist's models, few will recognize a G-3 Elite Forces Figure as an antique, and the hold poses better than those old wooden dummies anyhow. Besides where they charge $100.00 for a medium sized leather portfolio in an art store, you can get the same portfolio for $40.00 at an offic supply store. University Art? hecknow, I'm off to San Jose Blueprint, and then Office Max. I want to be able to see a movie tonight.

Scott

P.S. How ya been?

Posted by Scott Ruggels at April 17, 2004 04:59 PM
165.247.219.180

DOOD.

LOAF.

See, in France, it would make sense.

Posted by Dylan at April 17, 2004 11:38 PM
69.37.52.197

Yes, I'm sure the target was Americans who wish they were European. By that, I mean middle-aged "Frasier" people... not left-wingers who want to expatriate...

The kind of people that go to Hobby Lobby or Garden Ridge and buy fake broken-off Greek sculpture heads, on pedestals. I mean, what the fuck's the point? Is it a hat rack? Do you honestly believe people are going to think you've got a busted up Phidias in your foyer?!!

Own blog... must put in own blog...

Posted by spookable at April 18, 2004 10:10 AM
205.188.116.146

Loaf tote reminds me of the sort of people I dealt with five days a week when I was still working a retail position at an art store in the craft department. They fell into two categories: The Bride and the Martha Stewart Acolyte.

The Brides weren't the loaf tote type, but God how I hated them. ("Hi, my wedding is tomorrow and I need 900 yards of this incredibly pricey Japanese lace ribbon and I refuse to believe it's $55.00 a yard that must be wrong, right? Also why don't you have 900 yards of it sitting here waiting for me?! I will now take out all of my built-up stress on you! LET ME SEE YOUR MANAGER SO THAT HE MAY MAGICALLY MAKE 850 YARDS OF RIBBON YOU DO NOT HAVE APPEAR BEFORE ME. He won't tell me anything YOU haven't already told me, but I feel like making a scene!" )

The M.S.A.s were loaftoters, through and through, and really, that's the type I was thinking of when I wrote this post. They just woke up one day and decided to be "artistic." But they're more aware of what artists dress like and litter their homes with than what they actually do. "Fraiser" types is the perfect way to describe them.

Posted by spike at April 18, 2004 10:56 AM
68.20.210.145

If you were to tighten up the mesh to be more like the winepouch, and make the bottom of the pouch more sturdy, that thing would be perfect for a pair of shotguns. Or, for the more militarily connected, a dozen hand grenades! That's the thing, oh yes.

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