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October 24, 2004
Atrocity Tourism: OS-Tan.
While we're on the subject of the inscrutable Orient... Can't talk about Japan without covering their unspeakably insane preoccupation with prepubescent girls, now can we?
That would be dishonest.
So, meet the OS-Tan. Or Tans? I dunno, I ain't Japanese.
"Tan" is the cutsey-pie, childish way of pronouncing the Japanese honorific "chan," and "OS" stands for, naturally, "operating system."
Yeah. So what was have here are computer programs. Except they're girls.
No one person made these up. They're kind of accepted, collective, consistent characters over in the Japanese corner of the Intarweb, most notably the mega bulletin board Futaba Channel/2Chan. They even have personalities.
Windows ME is, appropriately, the dumbshit incapable of accomplishing anything worthwhile. As a former Windows ME user, I can definitely say this is 100% accurate.
ME-Tan, she's pretty popular. Every other OS-Tan picture I see is her freezing, crashing, or screwing up. Fun to draw. Not fun to run a computer with.
Windows XP, as proven by the waves of security attacks suffered by anyone who dares to use the thing, is more beauty than brains. She's usually dressed as an idol singer (a short shelf life, Japanese pop music munchkin) and she's got big knockers, but that's about all she's got going on. She's also greedy. You see her eating constantly.
She's not to be confused with XP Professional, who's got P-shaped earphones and wings. No, I don't know what that means.
Windows 2000 (2k-Tan) is stable and reasonable, so she has glasses. She also works harder and better than her friends, so she gets a maid bonnet. She's also designed by the Japanese, so she gets speakers bolted to her head for no reason.
And there's Windows 98 and 98 Second Edition, who live in crayon boxes and are sometimes doll-sized, or carry around doll-sized crayon boxes. Which I'm sure there's an excellent reason for.
They're no longer supported by Microsoft. They tend to cry a lot about that.
Can't forget Windows 95. She's a reserved, old-fashioned chick in a kimono, who who gets homicidally violent and starts swinging a katana around when you mention any of the Mac OS-Tans.
Yeah, they have OS-Tans for Macs. Also for Linux. And Linspire/Lindows. And Longhorn. And Firefox and Thunderbird, who are actually Mozilla-Tans. Because, you know, it's not genuinely creepy until it gets that obscure.
There's piles of this stuff. PILES. More than you could ever possibly imagine or need. And I haven't even mentioned Toshiaki, filthy Dr. Norton, or the Sabas.
A better explanation is here. It covers the OS-Tans' frequent use of scallions, and why all the servers are in mackerel costumes. It doesn't, however, mention that their panties are their firewalls. Which sort of makes my soul feel cold.
A depressingly huge archive of images of the OS-Tans is here. It's in Japanese-er, but you can decipher their moon langauge if you mouse over and read the status bar on your browser. Make sure to watch the Flash mock-opening-sequence for the OS-Tan's TV show, "Troubled Windows."
And, finally, an archive of the translated Troubled Windows communal manga from 2Chan is here. Predictably, half the jokes are about what worthless garbage Windows ME is.
That would probably be cute, if I hadn't directly experienced how true it was.
Posted by Spike at October 24, 2004 12:15 PM
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