Iron Circus: Atrocity Tourism: OS-Tan.

« Liliane, Bi-Dyke! | Main | Everybody, Switch Partners! »

October 24, 2004

Atrocity Tourism: OS-Tan.

While we're on the subject of the inscrutable Orient... Can't talk about Japan without covering their unspeakably insane preoccupation with prepubescent girls, now can we?

That would be dishonest.

So, meet the OS-Tan. Or Tans? I dunno, I ain't Japanese.

"Tan" is the cutsey-pie, childish way of pronouncing the Japanese honorific "chan," and "OS" stands for, naturally, "operating system."

Yeah. So what was have here are computer programs. Except they're girls.

No one person made these up. They're kind of accepted, collective, consistent characters over in the Japanese corner of the Intarweb, most notably the mega bulletin board Futaba Channel/2Chan. They even have personalities.

Windows ME is, appropriately, the dumbshit incapable of accomplishing anything worthwhile. As a former Windows ME user, I can definitely say this is 100% accurate.

ME-Tan, she's pretty popular. Every other OS-Tan picture I see is her freezing, crashing, or screwing up. Fun to draw. Not fun to run a computer with.

Windows XP, as proven by the waves of security attacks suffered by anyone who dares to use the thing, is more beauty than brains. She's usually dressed as an idol singer (a short shelf life, Japanese pop music munchkin) and she's got big knockers, but that's about all she's got going on. She's also greedy. You see her eating constantly.

She's not to be confused with XP Professional, who's got P-shaped earphones and wings. No, I don't know what that means.

Windows 2000 (2k-Tan) is stable and reasonable, so she has glasses. She also works harder and better than her friends, so she gets a maid bonnet. She's also designed by the Japanese, so she gets speakers bolted to her head for no reason.

And there's Windows 98 and 98 Second Edition, who live in crayon boxes and are sometimes doll-sized, or carry around doll-sized crayon boxes. Which I'm sure there's an excellent reason for.

They're no longer supported by Microsoft. They tend to cry a lot about that.

Can't forget Windows 95. She's a reserved, old-fashioned chick in a kimono, who who gets homicidally violent and starts swinging a katana around when you mention any of the Mac OS-Tans.

Yeah, they have OS-Tans for Macs. Also for Linux. And Linspire/Lindows. And Longhorn. And Firefox and Thunderbird, who are actually Mozilla-Tans. Because, you know, it's not genuinely creepy until it gets that obscure.

There's piles of this stuff. PILES. More than you could ever possibly imagine or need. And I haven't even mentioned Toshiaki, filthy Dr. Norton, or the Sabas.

A better explanation is here. It covers the OS-Tans' frequent use of scallions, and why all the servers are in mackerel costumes. It doesn't, however, mention that their panties are their firewalls. Which sort of makes my soul feel cold.

A depressingly huge archive of images of the OS-Tans is here. It's in Japanese-er, but you can decipher their moon langauge if you mouse over and read the status bar on your browser. Make sure to watch the Flash mock-opening-sequence for the OS-Tan's TV show, "Troubled Windows."

And, finally, an archive of the translated Troubled Windows communal manga from 2Chan is here. Predictably, half the jokes are about what worthless garbage Windows ME is.

That would probably be cute, if I hadn't directly experienced how true it was.

Posted by Spike at October 24, 2004 12:15 PM

Comments

"Doctor Norton, an unspeakably lecherous old doctor, is infamously known to request (and attempt) the total undressing of an OS-tan for a full physical inspection" WTF?!?!?

My OS-Tan is gonna totally kick his pervert ass.

Posted by Kim at October 24, 2004 01:30 PM
24.90.11.218

Wait, so they make this for browsers, too? Because, um, those are programs... are they pets? Or, like, servants?

And if Norton is a pervert, and panties are firewalls, isn't that like saying your security programs are trying to drop your firewall? AND THEN THE WHOLE METAPHOR COLLAPSES!!!

AGGGHHHH!!!!

Posted by Spookable at October 24, 2004 09:09 PM
68.210.251.185

The wordiq article is swiped from the generally superior-in-all-ways Wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Os-tan

I've been wondering when you were going to run into these things, Spike. Those of us who are combination computer geek/animu nerds have known about them since forever; those us who are not -creepy- computer geek/animu nerds find them just as disturbing as you do.

Also, Josh Lesnick is deranged:

http://pinksnowbunny.com/tw.html

but we knew that.

Posted by Wagner at October 25, 2004 03:42 AM
24.28.87.101

Haw! I remember that "Adventures of Penis" strip. Someone uploaded it to 2Chan a while back. Wish I could have read the reactions, but neither Nifty Translator nor JEDI could really understand all the slang and colloquialisms 2-Channers tend to use.

Posted by spike at October 26, 2004 04:48 AM
68.20.212.155

How bored were you to have to write about these?

Posted by Psychomelody at October 26, 2004 11:14 AM
216.158.45.60

The Dungeons and Dragons entry required about ten times the effort that this one did. Most of the length is due to the pictures, I think.

And I had to write it, the same way I have to link deady baby shrines and hobo sex. PEOPLE MUST KNOW.

Posted by spike at October 26, 2004 02:30 PM
68.20.212.155

Why no MSX, PC-98 or X68000-uh, tan? Those were pretty much Japan-exclusive machines from way back in the day so you'd think they'd get their own little chibi mascots...

Posted by Computolio at October 26, 2004 09:20 PM
66.238.96.114

Nerd.

Posted by spike at October 27, 2004 02:38 AM
68.20.212.155

Oh, it gets better:
http://sleepisdeath.org/images/planetans.jpg

Posted by Computolio at October 28, 2004 09:52 PM
66.238.96.21

Too bad that there's no Amiga-tan, Commodore-tan or Spectrum-tan :)

Posted by Luis Edgar Flores at November 18, 2004 10:23 AM
200.76.104.60

http://www.os-tan.com/ OS-Tan Image Archive. Thousands of colour and original black and white images of the OS-Tan girls.

Posted by Billy at May 14, 2005 02:40 PM
24.77.99.160

Fufufu..xp tan is soo sweet and I love 98 too!

Posted by Kanakana at September 18, 2007 01:18 AM
218.208.91.250

Der beste Online und Internet Poker Raum der Welt

http://www.internet-poker.de

100 Euro Gratis für jeden neuen Spieler

Jackpot: 2.458.145 Euro

5000 Spieler 24 Std.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The beste Online and Internet Poker Room the World.

http://www.internet-poker.de

100 Dollar free Sign Up Bonus - for New Players

Jackpot: 2.458.145 Euro

5000 Players - 24h

----------------------------------------------------------------

http://www.internet-poker.de

Posted by Rattstormilla at December 26, 2009 10:20 PM
82.195.246.196

Der beste Online und Internet Poker Raum der Welt

http://www.internet-poker.de

100 Euro Gratis für jeden neuen Spieler

Jackpot: 2.458.145 Euro

5000 Spieler 24 Std.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The beste Online and Internet Poker Room the World.

http://www.internet-poker.de

100 Dollar free Sign Up Bonus - for New Players

Jackpot: 2.458.145 Euro

5000 Players - 24h

----------------------------------------------------------------

http://www.internet-poker.de

Posted by StoothDag at January 25, 2010 04:30 AM
82.195.246.196

My friend and I were recently discussing about how modern society has evolved to become so integrated with technology. Reading this post makes me think back to that discussion we had, and just how inseparable from electronics we have all become.

I don't mean this in a bad way, of course! Ethical concerns aside... I just hope that as the price of memory decreases, the possibility of copying our memories onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's one of the things I really wish I could see in my lifetime.

(Posted on Nintendo DS running R4 SDHC DS SKu2)

Posted by bandsxbands at February 2, 2010 10:26 PM
213.254.213.43