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November 20, 2004

THEY CALLED ME MAD AT THE UNIVERSITY

Okay, I'm seriously a genius for real this time. And I can prove it.

So there are fish that glow in the dark and hypo-allergenic cats now, right? And science did that? With genetics? Y'with me so far?

They need to make some unicorns.

I'm serious. I am absolutely serious. The money would be be ALARMING.

I know you want a unicorn, too, so don't lie to me. We all want unicorns.

Would it really be all that hard to splice narwhal DNA into your average thoroughbred? Maybe, but we're not gonna think about that. That's not conducive. That's not the right attitude.

We'd figure something out, if we wanted it bad enough. How complicated could it be? It's a horse. It shits where it sleeps.

See, the thing to do would be to offer a whole line of unicorns, tailored to fit every delusion. There could be the opalescent white Arabians for all the chicks who never got over their Pretty Pretty Princess phase, and the midnight black Clydesdales for the dudes who want to be Larry Elmore paintings when they grow up, which will be never. And of course, the little unicorn ponies for the soul-devouring designer brats out in the suburbs. Cuz, you know, Daddy loves his little girl. STOP SCREAMING, HONEY.

The tough part would be making them small enough for apartments, but we'll fund that research with the first batch of unicorns, cuz you know Disney would whitewash Cinderella's Castle in orphan guts if it meant getting a five-year exclusivity deal. Can you imagine the extensively trademarked and copyrighted *~*~*Disney Princess Unicorn Parade?*~*~* They could sell tickets! Enter the Princess Lottery! Each hundred-dollar entry receipt, just one more chance to ride a REAL LIVE OMFG UNICORN down Main Street, USA! My God, the merchandising tie-ins and direct-to-video franchise ALONE.

Their firstborns' hearts poached in a mushroom cream sauce and served with a side of trophy wife would be a bargain.

Posted by Spike at November 20, 2004 01:53 PM

Comments

"But... playing with nature is WOOOOOOORNG!"

And then they go and eat an ear of crossbread organic corn. Fools.

Anyway, go find some Venture Capital! There's gotta be some left.

Posted by Rich at November 20, 2004 02:11 PM
141.151.95.107

"The tough part would be making them small enough for apartments..."

Problem solved.

http://www.cob-net.org/auction/ane-sopa/al96_zoo.jpg

Posted by Lisa Jonte at November 20, 2004 05:40 PM
69.107.49.240

Screw unicorns...I want me a pegasus. Course, that might be a little more difficult...hm.

Posted by scratch chickie at November 20, 2004 06:01 PM
4.10.172.102

Genitics, smenitics. This gang of hippies out west have been making unicorns for years. They take baby goats, surgically remove the roots of the horns, then implant one back in the middle of it's head. Viola, apartment sized unicorn. Doulbles as a waste disposal. Swear ta' God.

Posted by spookable at November 20, 2004 06:32 PM
69.68.89.2

half Jurassic Park
half My Little Pony

Posted by Tone at November 20, 2004 09:57 PM
68.15.19.133

Ooh, imagine an angry unicorn! It would so gouge you, especially if you're not a virgin (according to some). Ha! Another use for it! Concerned daddies could purchase them for their little darlings, with the agreement that pretty pony will kill or shun daughter dear if she disgraces the family.

oh dear.

Posted by Brenna at November 20, 2004 10:35 PM
67.170.164.193

You made my day with this post Spike.
*goes off to draw more Unicorns*

Posted by Andre at November 21, 2004 12:17 AM
207.179.158.121

Unadulterated brilliance. Although I have to tell you, you shouldn'tve posted it online. It is a seriously marketable idea, and it will only be with legal difficulties that you could get any money from it if someone else steals it. I suggest you take this idea to some genetics lab, a well-known one. See waht they tell you, how easy it'd be, when you might expect such advances in the field to make unicorns a possiblility. Let's all get fabulously wealthy.

Posted by Mikhail Lvovsky at November 21, 2004 12:26 AM
68.239.185.156

If they ever figure out the unicorn thing, I want them to start on dragons next so I can fly through traffic during rush hour and set Trixies who annoy me on fire.

Posted by London at November 21, 2004 01:19 AM
68.74.126.187

Yeah, what spookable said about the goats.

The Ringling Bros/Barnum & Bailey circus toured with oune in the mid to late '80s I believe ...

Posted by Eric M at November 22, 2004 08:36 PM
12.34.51.20

Domestic goats sometimes produce mutant offspring with their horns growing towards each other and fusing, though the result isn't pretty (unless you carve spirals into the horn, as was allegedly done in the 1980s in California to the tabloid fodder Angora goat Lancelot.)

http://www.lair2000.net/Unicorn_Dreams/Unicorns_Man_Made/unicorns_man_made.html

Sorry, Spike, 's been done.

Posted by J. at November 24, 2004 06:48 AM
24.26.223.107

IT'S NOT A REAL UNICORN UNLESS IT IMPALES YOU FOR NOT BEING A VIRGIN.

Posted by spike at November 24, 2004 06:00 PM
68.20.25.12

"Sorry, Spike, 's been done."

Those goats aren't as pretty as My Little Ponies.

This is a niche market waiting to be exploited.

Posted by Maktaaq at December 13, 2004 11:49 PM
70.68.242.167

They will probley do that u no. make millions...they'll sell for millions untill they become illeagle....happiness is agienst the law....i will have one any way.

Posted by helena at August 8, 2005 04:14 PM
81.151.123.18

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