« And now, a public service announcement. | Main | Don't forget about Templar. »

June 08, 2005

Atrocity Tourism: One more lisp out of YOU, mister, and you're goin' right to STRAIGHT CAMP!

"And those had better not be Abercrombie & Fitch briefs I see peeking over the waistline of your chinos! Get back upstairs and dress like a Christian!"

Long story short? A sixteen-year-old blogger from Tennessee came out to his parents recently, and now they're sending him to a summer camp designed to flip his straight switch. He's posted the rules he'll have to adhere to in his journal. Some of my favorites:

No sexual/emotional misconduct. Any temptations, fantasies, or dreams are to be presented to oneıs staff worker only.

SHIT SHIT COUNSELOR DAN I SOMETIMES LIE IN BED AND THINK ABOUT JUDE LAW SHIRTLESS WITH A THROBBING TEN-INCH COCKSTAND HOSING ME DOWN WITH JETS OF GOAT BUTTER IN A FIRE ISLAND HOT TUB AND I THINK I'LL TELL YOU BECAUSE IT'S NOT AT ALL HUMILIATING AND TRAUMATIZING TO DO SO

Sexual misconduct includes viewing pornography, visiting an adult bookstore, emotional dependency, voyeurism, stalking, masturbation, mutual masturbation, or any form of genital or sexual contact with another person.

Didja catch that? "Emotional dependency." YOU'RE A PERVERT BECAUSE YOU HAVE FRIENDS. YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE BUT CHRIST, FAIRY BOY.

Be mindful of the types of humor and communication used around one another. Jesting about bodily functions, discussing gender-specific issues when not in rap sessions (at the LIA office), and other conversation which could potentially be inappropriate to the opposite sex should be avoided.

Queef jokes are an abomination unto The Lord. :(

Anyway, read up. Lotsa laffs, until you realize this poor kid is gonna have to actually follow these rules this summer.

Posted by Spike at June 8, 2005 01:01 PM

Comments

"Jesting about bodily functions..."

Fart jokes make you gay!

Posted by Lisa Jonté at June 8, 2005 02:24 PM
69.107.33.103

it's so nice that then it goes on to say that you should be "honest, authentic, and real."

Posted by meredith at June 8, 2005 04:01 PM
151.205.71.231

Somebody needs to tell 'Counselor Dan' that he's the reason that they're in there. Especially if he's a "recovering sinner" and just dying for a relapse.

Scandalous!~

Posted by Psychomelody at June 8, 2005 04:35 PM
68.101.20.36

If I was gay and my parents didn't want me to be gay the last place I'd want to go is a summer camp full of other gay boys my age. Nosiree. I'd hate to be locked up in a steamy hot cabin with nothing between us but sleeping bags.

Posted by michael patrick at June 8, 2005 05:06 PM
63.164.145.85

I like the rule about secular media.

"No television viewing, going to movies, or reading/watching/listening to secular media of any kind, anywhere within the clientıs and the parentıs/guardianıs control. This includes listening to classical or instrumental music that is not expressly Christian (Beethoven, Bach, etc. are not considered Christian)."

BEETHOVEN WILL MAKE YOU GAY.

And did you read the part about privacy? They are literally aloud to be behind a closed door for 15 minutes in order to shower/dress. They have to keep their bedroom door open AT ALL TIMES otherwise. Even while they're sleeping??? Sounds more and more like a camp for pedophelia fun.

Posted by Amy Gordon at June 8, 2005 09:09 PM
70.50.76.64

Group Norm # 12:
"Do not be defensive. While being spoken to, one may not respond to defend him/herself or return confrontation to the person speaking."

You know it's a scary program because they use the word 'intensive' to describe it on the Love in Action website.

Brrrrrrrr.

Posted by John at June 9, 2005 12:16 AM
216.129.254.78

Can anyone tell me why the world has to give the homos such a hard time? They're not hurting anyone! You know what the gay agenda really is?
-Pick up the drycleaning.
-Get the groceries.
-Maybe go to Border's.
-Enjoy a glass of wine with mate.

What disturbs me the most is the unabashed Christianization of our country. We need to ask ourselves: does our choice in laundry softener need to give glory to Jesus? If I buy some Manischevitz matzoball soup starter, will that invalidate my eligibility for entrance into Paradise?

I stay away from fundamentalist Christians as a rule. I find it difficult to converse with them they same way I find it difficult to talk with retardos. You can say whatever you want, but be prepared to be answered with howling, spitting, and defecation.

PS: If these fucktards don't realize that Bach and Handel is church music, then they're dumber than I thought.

Posted by bano at June 9, 2005 11:36 AM
67.175.206.201

Ugh. Got to love loving parents. Loving, understanding, accepting parents...

None of which it seems this kid has.

I like how they mandate that women must shave legs and armpits twice weekly. That's biblical, I tell you. Right there in ecclesiastics.

Posted by Ays at June 10, 2005 06:47 PM
128.95.134.125

I didn't notice that.

BACH ISN'T FUCKING CHRISTIAN!?!?!?!?!?

For the love of GOD, pretty much everything he EVER WROTE is dedicated to GOD!

Posted by Fortunato at July 2, 2005 10:57 PM
24.26.178.220

Good morning. You must not think me necessarily foolish because I am facetious, nor will I consider you necessarily wise because you are grave.
I am from Pakistan and too poorly know English, tell me right I wrote the following sentence: "Connected gant chart, he crocheted out as eventually a international film in a bombing when permanent lookouts had flames of shots in doing bills."

Thanks :o. Gabi.

Posted by Gabi at September 5, 2009 05:28 AM
200.96.39.36

Post a comment