Iron Circus: Atrocity Tourism: Fame, Once Removed. Let MySpace Take You There.

February 02, 2006

Atrocity Tourism: Fame, Once Removed. Let MySpace Take You There.

Very few people in your life will ever need to know absolutely everything about you.

I blog, but I don't post much in the way of personal information. I appreciate that everyone who visits takes the time to read what I write, but no matter how often you guys visit, some things just aren't any of your business, and I don't see why they should be. No malice involved, there. That's just a personal preference.

Amusingly, a lot of other people don't really feel the same way. Hence, MySpace.

Crappier than mid-90s GeoCities, more self-absorbed than a Livejournal, and ten times the eye-scorching incompetence of your average community college Web Design major. Oh, and it's full of teenagers. Functionally illiterate ones. Who type in AOL-speak and all-caps, completely devoid of irony.

Remember when the Internet was for smart people? Because I don't. Not anymore.

One of the "attractions" of registering a MySpace account seems to be the ability to stream music videos or MP3s the instant your pages loads on a visitor's browser, cheerfully resurrecting the most aggravating sin of web design ever conceived. Some overachievers like to stream both at once. You know, to bring the ruckus, as it were. Since most of these people are 16 or so, their tastes tend to run a little mainstream, and the site happily obliges them.

My Chemical Romance has a MySpace, for example. So do System of a Down, Fall Out Boy, Nelly, and a bunch of other spazzers I don't care about, but who's names function as street cred currency in the right circles. But I'm not even going to link you, because we're not talking about them.

We're talking about their families.

Not their families, specifically, but the families of the famous in general. Because they're just so much more entertaining.

I can't see her profile, but my personal favorite is probably Bobbi Kristina, daughter of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. She calls herself "nimpho babby," claims she's 14 years old (NNMB says she's 12), and wears blue contacts. The prosti-tots are just getting better and better-adjusted, aren't they? She's gonna be some real fun to watch when puberty kicks in.

Bobby's various bastard children have MySpaces, too, but they're boring. Yawn.

You need a little palate-cleanser after someone like Bobbi K. I prefer Chyna, the daughter of Faith Evans. (Faith, if you'll remember, is the widow of The Notorious B.I.G., although I don't know if this is his kid. I don't think it is. Or maybe I just don't like to picture Biggie having sex with anyone. Hurfle.) She's clearly stupid, but in that charming, adorable way most kids her age are. And adorable is definitely the right word for this kid. Like a fluffy little bunny. "bunita chica," indeed. Study hard, dear. Mind your mother.

There's yet more hip-hop spawn to be had, of course. Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Sean Combs/etc. has two sons, Justin and Quincy, both of which have profiles. Justin claims to be 9 feet tall and make a quarter-million dollars a year. Quincy finds books to be "retarded/Stupid."

Bright, bright futures. Yes indeed.

There's also Nayrok Udab, sister of Erykah Badu. I thought Kool-Aid red weaves were over, but eh, what do I know. Erykah has "baduism," so Nayrok, in a stunning display of originality, has "hoodrok." I don't care enough about her to figure out what that is, though.

I don't consider LaToya Jackson to be famous, just associated with fame. You can find her here, carefully posed at the best possible angle to hide her mutilated nose. I remember seeing her first Playboy spread as a child. My mother looked at the Playboy she was in in a bookstore, and I peeked over her shoulder. LaToya looked like a blow-up doll.

And that is my LaToya Jackson story.

Britney Spears has a little sister named Jamie-Lynn (YEE HAW!), but she's decided to be stupid and boring and make her MySpace private. Jesus Christ, you people have ONE JOB: entertain me. And you CAN'T EVEN DO THAT. God DAMN.

But fortunately, Kevin Federline, Britney's husband, has more sense than to try and hide. Warning: K-Fed thinks he can sing. Kill your speakers.

Let me know if I've missed any, folks.

Posted by Spike at February 2, 2006 05:00 AM

Comments

You forgot to mention popups and stealth installs that whizz straight past my blockers *pours bleach into his hard drive*

Posted by Reinder at February 2, 2006 06:53 AM
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Spike, can I have your permission to post this rant as a MySpace bulletin?

None of my real-life friends (most of whom seem to be on MySpace) seem to appreciate my hatred of the thing (in spite of the fact that I have succumbed and gotten one for myself- www.myspace.com/michaeljpatrick). Maybe I can encourage them to spread it around to others.

Posted by michael patrick at February 2, 2006 10:36 AM
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Be my guest!

Posted by spike at February 2, 2006 04:57 PM
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I can't log in now.

Bulletins are an interesting aspect of the whole MySpace experience. It's like an email that goes out to all of your friends. Sure, you could just send an email out to all of your friends anyway, but this is MySpace! Yippy. The bulletins (at least those I get) are riddled with chain-letters and urban legends- just like regular email was before spam filters. They are also full of polls, quizes and other LJ style crap.

Posted by michael patrick at February 2, 2006 06:04 PM
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Were you ever following my LJ entries when I was writing about my boss's daughter? I found her myspace page, heh. Says she's 20.

That's most likely why those two have private myspace accounts, they're stupid enough to put their age as under 18. (It's either 18 or 16 that's the age limit or something...)

Myspace is a fun human study site. I love the junk friend requests I get. It can be scary too, where 13 year old girls try to pass off as being 20.

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