Iron Circus: Templar: My favorite thing about American-made religious sects!

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January 08, 2008

Templar: My favorite thing about American-made religious sects!

No, really. I'm not kidding. It's a pretty common feature. I am very tickled by it. The Jakes take it about a mile farther than most, though, just by including Ben in the schematics. Just about everyone else seems comfortable just ragging on black people.

And yeah, here it comes: The scripture of Jake. Everything Jake, y'might say. As told by someone who feels perfectly comfortable telling complete strangers that s/he classifies them like breeds of dog based exclusively on ancestry.

My goal with Jakeskin scripture was to give it that tangy dash of pop-eyed lunacy we all know and love, without making said lunacy completely impossible to swallow. I had to believe that somebody, SOMEWHERE, even one in a thousand people, could read what I'm writing on the next few pages and think, "Well, that sounds pretty reasonable." This faith needs adherents, after all. Let's see how well I pull it off, huh?

More Wednesday. And a big, big THANKS to everyone who came to see me to OhayoCon! I'll have more to say on that later in the week!

Posted by Spike at January 8, 2008 03:11 PM

Comments

Those are some pretty genuine reactions from Scip and Ben there.

Posted by LLK at January 8, 2008 05:10 PM
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Haha, oh wow. So I guess Jakes job is to, uh, 'combine' them? >.>

Posted by B at January 8, 2008 05:51 PM
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I'm very curious to see who's talking, now.

Posted by stacey at January 8, 2008 06:02 PM
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Y'know what's scarey? The dude's ramblings make sense to me >.<

Posted by Turtlebelly at January 8, 2008 06:11 PM
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Yeah, wacky race theories were really popular for a while, both in religion and politics. Most new "American" religions seem to have started up during that period. Funny how some people only pull out Darwin when they have a wacky race theory to promote!

Posted by jdalton at January 8, 2008 06:42 PM
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I am suddenly reminded of the stories my friend told me after she visited the Church of Scientology.

Posted by Kitty at January 8, 2008 07:18 PM
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Hehehe....Relgious sects....

I wonder what generalizations he'll make about Reagan's background.

Posted by pd at January 8, 2008 07:26 PM
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Hehehe....Relgious sects....

I wonder what generalizations he'll make about Reagan's background.

Posted by pd at January 8, 2008 07:27 PM
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Aw, it's kinda sweet how each race gets a positive description. That's so rare among crazy racial theorists.

Posted by Avram at January 8, 2008 07:46 PM
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Now now, Avram, don't be so hasty. He's only mentioned two of the five supposed peoples. He(?) has plenty of time to give a horrid, diabolical description of one (or more!) of the other three.

Posted by Eric Chapman at January 8, 2008 09:59 PM
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Ah, yes - the challenge of making illogical or downright WRONG philosophies/religions and making them seem rational in some capacity. That's always a fun challenge! ^_^

Posted by Lewis at January 9, 2008 12:09 AM
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Poor Scip. 'Man, that's horrible. He means it as some kind of compliment, doesn't he? But - but - *fritter dither hem haw*'

Nunna that sez Ben, though I can't tell if he's rolling his eyes or simply exhibiting more uncomfort than bug-eyed horror.

Posted by alec at January 9, 2008 01:55 AM
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WOW. Awkwardest conversation of ALL TIME.

I'm really interested in Jakeskin now though- but in a "from a safe distance" kind of way, obviously.

Posted by Magnolia at January 9, 2008 05:37 AM
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Wait, Second Man? What about Indians? Smack-dab between Africa and Asia and a sorta half-way skin tone too! Are they 1.5 or something?

Posted by Arsnof at January 9, 2008 10:30 AM
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"Wait, Second Man? What about Indians? Smack-dab between Africa and Asia and a sorta half-way skin tone too! Are they 1.5 or something?"- Arsnof

Mayne the speaker doesn't differentiate between Indian and Middle Eastern (just like most people you meet).

Posted by michael patrick at January 9, 2008 10:55 AM
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uhm "mayne" should be "maybe"

oops

Posted by michael patrick at January 9, 2008 10:56 AM
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Lots of people also drop Indians into the "Asian/Oriental" category. :x

Posted by Kitty at January 9, 2008 11:59 AM
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Back in the 19th century, Jews were considered "Oriental" as well. Nowadays we're usually considered "white", and for a while there we were our own thing.

The question of who gets to be "white" is really weird and complicated if you look at the history of it.

Posted by Avram at January 9, 2008 12:37 PM
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It's probably pretty terrible that up until he got to Ben, I was thinking 'this sounds sort of plausible...'

Posted by MissusHow at January 9, 2008 12:48 PM
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I once actually heard someone say: "He's not white, he's Irish."

After thinking about it, I'm more expecting the intrepid preacher guy (or whomever it is off panel) to have positively-tinted rediculous generalizations for each of the five peoples tied together by Jake, and then, seperate from them, is another group, some other ethnicity, that is obviously not human, not good in any way, and is in fact an invasive species from outer space. Or, perhaps, Hell, with Satan himself sitting at the top of the family tree. This invasive species must, of course, be exterminated, or some such nonsense.

Posted by Eric Chapman at January 9, 2008 01:19 PM
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Eric, you're forgetting The Commitments. The Irish are the blacks of Europe.

I actually knew a bunch of old Italian guys who got pissed off when they were referred to as white. They prefer "mediterranean". I guess I can buy that as long as they're the ones making the classification.

Also I'm pretty sure at one time, people from India were legally classified as caucasian. I guess a ruling was made when everybody was trying to figure out what civil rights they should have.

Posted by Magnolia at January 9, 2008 01:28 PM
198.7.242.130

2 bucks says that it's not a 'he' talking, but rather Zora's mother. I'm guessing the napping old guy is some high-level Jakeskin guy (possibly even Jake himself) that she's 'with' now.

Oh, and I've been looking forward to learning more about Jakeskin since it was first alluded to. And I'm not disappointed. There's nothing quite like a shrill, neo-mystic personality cult, especially when it becomes (somewhat) mainstream. I look forward to hearing more!

Posted by Cthulku at January 9, 2008 02:20 PM
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Indians are indeed Caucasian, both by physical feature (no epicamphal folds, nose, general head slope) and by language.

Italians may have a point, particularly Sicilians, there's been a lot of mixing of black/MiddleEastern blood around there.

Nonetheless, there is a jot of truth in the whole 'blood makes a difference.'

Us Anglos are born of the blood of kings and peasants. Which says something about survival of the fittest -- and harems in general.

Bred a little different society than in other places (particularly Eastern societies, where the odds of mixture were far lower).

Posted by Miako at January 9, 2008 02:51 PM
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Hey, Spike - Randy from S*P here. Gave you a link in my news post. Hope it sends some readers your way.

Posted by R.K. Milholland at January 9, 2008 03:16 PM
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I'm thinking the guy doing the speaking believes he's being complimentary to Scrip and Ben...

Posted by HellPuppi at January 9, 2008 09:56 PM
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I've got an enormous boner for Scip that is NOT GOING TO GET ANY BETTER if he keeps making adorably pained expressions like that. Poor guy.

Posted by Shaenon at January 10, 2008 03:41 AM
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Five'll get you twenty she's got NOTHING positive to say about Italians. [Mancuso's an Italian name, right?]

Also, yeah, I think it's a woman too, though I couldn't tell you why. Something in the diction.

Posted by sushijones at January 10, 2008 04:46 AM
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I'd say I wish I could see Reagans face, but I don't really need to. I'll wager she's got what my daddy used to call a shit-eating grin on, and that manic glint in her eyes that says "Wow, this shit is -crazy-..." I love someone that can -really- enjoy the insane surrealism of everyday life...even if it's everyday Templar life, which is so deliciously more surreal than ours.

Posted by coyoteweeps at January 10, 2008 06:14 AM
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I also under the imoression it's a woman talking, either Gene's wife or his mother... I don't know what makes me think that way.

Posted by Wood at January 10, 2008 11:15 AM
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spike, i love how you've seemlessly incorporated a brand of quasi-insanity i've only seen in real life. usually on a bus.
and as for theories about the other three, with regards to the human journey out of africa... what about pacific islanders? they would be the great travelers... middle eastern inhabitants would be the keepers of the mainstream religions. descendants of the celts would be...warriors? imperialists?
but with only 5, there's bound to be someone kind of left out. like....where do the basque fit in?
and whenever someone looks at their neighbor, they see something different from themselves. everyone wants to be recognized as their own group.

Posted by eliza at January 10, 2008 01:04 PM
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I can't imagine that being spoken by anybody other than Ted Haggard with Dr. Phil's voice.

Posted by jonessoda at January 10, 2008 02:09 PM
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I'm a few days late in posting this, I know, but I had to relate my grudging and completely unavoidable respect for any cult that treats Peek-A-Boo as a profound religious experience.

I -see- you.

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