Spike's Cartoons and Whinging

White Guy vs. Black Guy: Epilogue.

My neighbor, White Guy, was just escorted from the apartment he shared with his boyfriend, Black Guy, by four cops. Carrying a suitcase.

DRAAA MAAAA.

Now, it's been a while since the lock was changed, so I'm assuming he was escorted TO the apartment by the cops, too. Matt theorizes that it was to get the last of his belongings, and prevent the chore from becoming yet another tumble in the rough with his ex.

In any case, White Guy is gone, and it looks like he's staying gone.

Good. He was a shitbird.

Think I'll blast a little Saul Williams through the wall tonight, just to remember him by.

Happy trails, ya clown.

Illustration Friday: Dreams.

Or rather, the death of one.

Because that's what everybody REALLY mourns when a baby dies, isn't it? Not so much what they were as what they could have been.

More Illustration Friday submissions here. But of course... if that's how you got here in the first place, maybe you'd rather check out my comics. No dead babies there, I promise.

New Templar!

I hate Gene's jewelry and I hate Zora's hair. They take a long time to shade. But at least the lighting for this scene came out kind of nice. I especially like Gene's shirt, and barely perceptible rosacea.

I kind of have a weird preoccupation with giving cartoon characters skin conditions. You'll see what I mean.

New page here. Enjoy.

FYI.

I think Sparkneedle will be moving off of Girl-A-Matic, over to Webcomics Nation and going free in a week or two. Just so you know. Maybe. Seriously considering it.

I can justify this, because I know it wouldn't really be hurting my presence on (read: cut from) GAM... all hits considered, Lucas & Odessa gets maybe eight times the traffic... and I really do think that an experimental comic like Spark has the worst time in the world picking up readers halfway through. There's zero point of reference, and it probably looks like a huge assload of nonsense to anyone coming in on the second act.

So yeah. Don't be too shocked if I decide to do this, guys.

Illustration Friday: Reflection.

You know what world's stupidest reaction to a tattoo is? I mean, just the dumbest thing you can ask?

"Oh My God, what's that going to look like in fifty years?"

It'll probably still look like a tattoo, genius. And instead of being old and wrinkled and gray, the person will be old and wrinkled and gray... with a tattoo.

Woah. Gasp.

Good tattoos are practically diaries. Each picture has a story, and each story is a reflection of the person who tells it. A person with lots is like an open book, an autobiography, but written in a language you might not automatically recognize.

Being extensively tattooed must mean you remember something special every time you catch a a glimpse of yourself from an odd angle in the mirror.

See the rest of this Friday's illustrations here.

You know there's a new Templar, Arizona page up, right?

You know what I hate in fiction? Precocious kids. Kids who talk and think exactly like scaled-down adults. They're everywhere, and I don't think that's it's just because they're cute. I think it's because realistic little kid dialogue is a pain in the ass.

It's hard to rustle up a synthetic version of the weird grammatical missteps your average four or five-year-old is capable of. But Jesus, people should at least try. Does every fictional little kid on the planet need to be a smirking, supernaturally witty little smart-ass? Maybe it's just me, but I can't imagine anything more off-putting. It's never made me like a character at all. And nothing in the world screams FAKE like a Kindergartener zinging a 20-something.

...Yeah. Anyway. New page is here. Have fun.

Holy Hell. Who's linking me?!

Templar, Arizona is flooding with hits. I've just gotten more traffic before noon, during the site's traditional dead time, than I got all of yesterday, and it's not an update day. Unfortunately, the basic WCN account's hit counter only marks off page views, not referrers.

Those of you who found your way here through my Webcomics Nation page: How did you get here? I'd love to know. Just drop me a comment on this entry. Hell, just a URL would be fine.

2 Lines About 1 Woman.

My meager, slapdash contribution to Jamie's spontaneous "88 Lines About 44 Women" jam.

Still a few ladies left, folks. Want in? Claim yours now.

Illustration Friday: Wisdom.

In short supply these days, I've found. Or maybe we should just be grateful for what we've learned and hope we don't need another lesson.

See the rest of this week's entries here.

Whiny Pissy Goddamnittin' Neighbors, Part 3.

The doorknob's gone from Black Guy/White Guy's apartment door.

Titter.

This could mean a lot of things, a few of them pretty pedestrian. But consider this.

We live in a good-sized apartment building with one of those safety foyer deals. You have to open two doors, both locked, before you get to the elevator, and even then, you've got 14 floors to go through if you're just gonna go door-to-door and try every lock. Which means even if you lost your keys, it would make more sense just to get a new one from management.

Also, since these guys live together, it would take maybe ten minutes to go to the hardware store down the block and have a new key made from the other guy's. That's what Matt and I did when he moved in.

But that's not what's happening.

I'm sort of hoping someone threw a hideous fit and got kicked out. And I'm sort of hoping it's White Guy. He's a shit.

White Guy's the one who hit Black Guy and got the cops called on him a while back, and White Guy's the one who throws a great big tantrum every time we look in the general direction of the goddamn stereo. So yeah, the hell with him. I'd take Black Guy's shitty R+B blaring into the hallway any day over White Guy's general spastic stupidity.

Updates as they're merited. Dramawhore am I.

Templar, Arizona Updates!

A pipin' fresh new page, ready for some love.

Templar, Arizona is now listed on OnlineComics.net, too, and there are a few nifty new link buttons, should the desire to link Templar seize you.

...

Two new names, this page. Hope you're not easily confused.

Atrocity Tourism: Is My Child Becoming a Homosexual?

ATTENTION, GOOD, RESPONSIBLE, GOD-FEARING CHRISTIAN PARENTS!!!

As we all know, children are convinced by television and video games to go totally queer-mo. Gayosity is an acquired trait, forced upon sexless, gender-neutral children by swear words and The Lie-beral Agenda.

REMAIN VIGILANT! The HOMOSEXUALISTS will not be easily dissuaded from creeping into your innocent child's bedroom in the dead of night and coughing QUEER GERMS all over him! THEY MAY HAVE INFECTED HIM ALREADY!

Fortunately, Focus on the Family has compiled a helpful list of warning signs to determine your child's level of exposure to gayedness. EDUCATE YOURSELF! Enact preventative measures! And if the queerdom persists, REEDUCATE. We here at Focus on the Family recommend Exodus International, the largest, most successful homosexual rehabilitation organization founded by two guys who have since renounced it and moved in together in operation today!

And once you've sufficiently slapped heterosexuality into your child, make sure to do your part to stop the homosexual campaign against children.

(Cuz, y'know, gays aren't pedophiles. We aren't saying that. Except... dude, they so totally are. I swear.)

Coming soon: how to tell if your daughter is becoming a LESBIAN. Currently relegated to the back burner, though, because foxy lesbians making out is, like, so hot. But dudes fucking, man... that's just gross. >:(

Woo nelly, bumper crop of racism this summer!

Dear Random Black Guys:

Muttering "WE'RE GONNA STEAL OUR QUEEN BACK!" at my husband while he and I are crossing the street is not intimidating. It's actually kind of hilarious.

However, I do not appreicate being exposed to yet another interesting experience, which, along with others, have the cumulative effect of slowly but surely pushing me towards writing an autobiographical comic. God damn you both. It will take twice the customary weeks of crushing dullness to convince me that wouldn't be worth making now than it might otherwise. Jerks. >:(

But thank you for finding me so breathlessly ravishing that you feel offended anyone else is pawing me at night other than you. If it makes you feel more at peace with things, you are ugly, so you would have never had a chance anyway. <3.

Atrocity Tourism: Chernobyl Heart.

Imagine living in a city so utterly and completely contaminated by radiation that you only have a 15-20% chance of having a normal baby. And even if your kid beats the odds and is born normal, they have hundreds of times the likelihood of kids anywhere else of developing cancer. Early. Real early.

Oh, and by the way, there's nowhere else to go. 99% of your country is contaminated. If you're lucky, your town is only 40 times over the recognized danger level. A few places are worse. A few places, it's actually illegal to have kids.

I bet HBO would make a documentary about a place like that. And maybe someone else would upload it somewhere for you to watch online, just to ruin your morning.

Welcome to Belarus. Don't eat the mushrooms.

For All Of You I Met at Wizard World This Weekend!

Beavis, the Mummified Rat, is indeed real. And I've got the blog entries to prove it. Read up. And don't say I didn't warn you.

Illustration Friday: Empty.

Back on the wagon, I guess.

See the rest of this week's submissions here.

Another Con.

I'll be at Wizard World Chicago this weekend, in Artist's alley, at the Rosemont Convention Center.

I'll be bringing along my mummified rat, Beavis. He's never been to a comic book convention, y'see.

He'll be sitting on my table net to a sign.

I'll let you know if my shameless cash grab is sufficiently rewarded.

A New Templar Page!

Oh hold me, sweet Jesus, and help me to contain my joy! CLICK ALREADY!

More Neighbor Drama.

Remember Black Guy and White Guy, the couple across the hall who called the cops on each other a few months back?

They're at it again. You can hear the screaming in the hallway.

Black Guy is TIRED of White Guy threatening him, and HE'S GOING TO BED, dammit.

God, it would be so awesome if they killed each other.

Oh, Hell.

Jay "Land of Nod" Stephens just bought a Webcomics Nation account.

And according to Joey Manley, he's just one of several hot shit print cartoonists getting ready to hop aboard.

Goodbye, "All Time Top 10 Comics" spot. It was fun while it lasted.