Atrocity Tourism: June 2005 Archives

Oh Jesus Christ would you look at that.

When he was thirteen years old, a western diamondback rattlesnake bit Justin Schwartz on the left hand.

It sucked.

He took pictures, though. Or rather, someone took pictures for him; all the good ones must have been snapped while he was unconscious. Surgeons usually try to knock you out before they peel you from palm to armpit. Or so I'd hope.

Don't click this link if you're not into massive, open wounds being stitched together with rubber bands, necrotizing flesh, and arms so expertly flayed that the subject could double for a Burne Hogarth sketch. You've been warned.

I AM A WOLF WITH MAGICAL POWERS AND A SWORD THAT IS A VAMPIRE AND THE DAUGHTER OF GOD.

Yeah.

So I'm guessing Todd from thekwoon.com digs on convention season. That's when he hauls out his palmcorder, walks up to random cosplayers at anime conventions, and asks who they're supposed to be. The results are usually best when they're incredibly eager to tell him, but utterly incapable of coherency.

I thought I knew what sympathetic humiliation was. I thought I was beyond it. I was wrong.

Todd also catches up with some guy who claims to have invented one of the most obnoxious things about anime cons, sign-carrying. It's hard to explain why parading around a dealer's room with scraps of posterboard is so irritating, though. That is, until you realize he'd be one of about two hundred people doing it all at once, most of which are either looking for freebies or petitioning for public gropage.

He's the third guy I've seen claim the credit for this. God knows why. I'd admit to ritualized child cannibalism before I'd claim the distinction of being con whoredom's Patient Zero.

"And those had better not be Abercrombie & Fitch briefs I see peeking over the waistline of your chinos! Get back upstairs and dress like a Christian!"

Long story short? A sixteen-year-old blogger from Tennessee came out to his parents recently, and now they're sending him to a summer camp designed to flip his straight switch. He's posted the rules he'll have to adhere to in his journal. Some of my favorites:

No sexual/emotional misconduct. Any temptations, fantasies, or dreams are to be presented to one¹s staff worker only.

SHIT SHIT COUNSELOR DAN I SOMETIMES LIE IN BED AND THINK ABOUT JUDE LAW SHIRTLESS WITH A THROBBING TEN-INCH COCKSTAND HOSING ME DOWN WITH JETS OF GOAT BUTTER IN A FIRE ISLAND HOT TUB AND I THINK I'LL TELL YOU BECAUSE IT'S NOT AT ALL HUMILIATING AND TRAUMATIZING TO DO SO

Sexual misconduct includes viewing pornography, visiting an adult bookstore, emotional dependency, voyeurism, stalking, masturbation, mutual masturbation, or any form of genital or sexual contact with another person.

Didja catch that? "Emotional dependency." YOU'RE A PERVERT BECAUSE YOU HAVE FRIENDS. YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE BUT CHRIST, FAIRY BOY.

Be mindful of the types of humor and communication used around one another. Jesting about bodily functions, discussing gender-specific issues when not in rap sessions (at the LIA office), and other conversation which could potentially be inappropriate to the opposite sex should be avoided.

Queef jokes are an abomination unto The Lord. :(

Anyway, read up. Lotsa laffs, until you realize this poor kid is gonna have to actually follow these rules this summer.